So how to get your Ex back after she breaks up with you? Did your girlfriend break up with you, you tried to convince her to go back to you and its not working! Don’t freak out, you can get her back, I’m going to talk you through it.
The main thing after the breakup is to stop fucking up your behaviour and making yourself unattractive to your ex, because this behaviour is probably the reason why your girlfriend left you in the first place. So lets talk through how to get your ex girlfriend back, and most importantly, what not to do to Fu*k it up.
Let’s start with some questions.
Did your ex break up with you or did you break up with her?
This is important to clarify to yourself, sometimes people have a break up and rationalise it so that it was a mutual decision, which is normally bullshit, people hate rejection.
Basically you have to admit to yourself that you got dumped by your ex, but don’t feel down because after you read this article you will know why your ex left you and how to fix it, you will feel much better and have something to focus on other than having ‘I want my Ex back’ on repeat in your head all the time.
Why did your Ex break up with you?
Super important, we’re going to look at the causes of breakups. 99% of the factors will be in your control, the great news there is that it is still in your control now. Whatever you were doing that was repelling your EX, you need to identify it, then STOP doing it, and follow some steps for how to win her back.
What I will not mention is breakups because of distance away from each other, or if you broke up with her. They are different and maybe I’ll write about them in the future.
Guaranteed, you got some weak, wishy washy explanation for why your Ex is breaking up with you. “Need some space”, “its not you, its me”, “I just need to be on my own for a while” that kind of thing, you probably got a different tailor-made one but you know what I’m talking about.
If you think its bullshit, then you are right it is. But it’s probably not because she is being in-genuine or lying, girls just react from feeling and justify it in a way that sounds plausible, your Ex probably has no idea why she wants to break up with you.
That is the main thing is that your Ex lost her attraction to you. And we need to sort your behaviour and focus on how to get her back!
(FYI – Links to specific Guides like messaging techniques are at the bottom of this article)
Get your ex back 1st step – self assessment
It is time for some self analysis, think of when you were back with your Ex and in relationship mode. Be honest with yourself, read through the following headings and think whether you were doing that or not
Did you do everything that your Ex wanted, whenever she wanted?
This is super common, and means that you value your Ex way more than you value yourself, and she feels that. Your Ex probably really enjoyed that, but it wasn’t making you more attractive and this certainly won’t help you get your Ex back.
It is not exciting, when you know someone will do anything for you and there is no risk, this is really unattractive to women.
The reason for why this is bad, is that girls are attracted to a man with a high attraction value, men that are attractive in their behaviour, this is a primal thing. Attraction value is by the way they behave and react to women. Just remember you don’t want her to feel(or be reminded) that you value her much higher than yourself, or that your attraction value is very low, super simple!
Attractive Man Behaviour Reminder
Have important things in your life other than your girlfriend
You have pride in yourself
Don’t try hard to impress people
Have confidence in yourself enough to say what you think
Don’t slouch, have good posture
Don’t constantly indicate to her how lucky you feel to be with her
Did you give you ex girlfriend compliments way too often?
Excessive compliment giving to your ex usually shows a lack of self belief in your own attractiveness, if you are admiring your girlfriend so much that you feel the need to tell her all the time, then you are probably feeling she is in the next league up and you are enjoying that. That is fine but there is absolutely no reason to remind her that she is out of your league, you are making yourself less attractive by doing it. She wants to enjoy how great a guy you are and that she found a gem!
If you did any of that then cut it out!
Do this instead
What you should have done is pick moments that she will have an emotional boost from the compliment, especially when its an area of lower confidence for her. For example, she is having trouble at work and stressing out and loosing confidence in that area, you could tell your GF she is strong and independent, and that is one of the things you like about her.
If she is super hot then she will be used to being complimented about her appearance, most appearance based compliments are meaningless. If she looks particularly hot in a a dress then tell her that, she’ll believe it and appreciate the compliment, if you say every morning that she looks beautiful, and she thinks she looks like shit, then it isn’t working.
There is an inverse rule to compliment giving, it is based on how many compliments a girl receives. So if you give a compliment to a girl that doesn’t get many compliments then she will feel good about that and it will work in your favor. If you tell her she is pretty and she gets that every day, then it probably did nothing.
Pushing to get your Ex to commit?
This is a bad one, stressing commitment means you are worried about losing your girlfriend and you are trying to get her to commit because you don’t want to lose her.
Have you been doing that?
What you should do is wait for the girl to want commitment, if you have to push for it then you are jumping the gun and it will raise a red flag to your girlfriend that you are trying to trap her, there really is no need to do it until she feels like she wants it, if a girl feels suffocated she will try to escape.
Don’t even mention commitment when you are trying to get your ex back!
If you are so worried that she might leave and this makes you want to lock her into a relationship, this indicates you don’t have a lot of faith in your attractiveness to keep your girlfriend, which is not a good image to have, make sense?!
Did you give your ex a lot of gifts?
Another sign that you value your ex girlfriend too highly, or more accurately ‘showing’ that you value her too highly, do it too often then you will be displaying that you are so into your girlfriend that you are trying to buy her attention (acknowledging her higher attraction value).
This can be a confusing one, because girls smile and give you more attention because they love gifts, but in the background they feel like you must feel the need to buy their attention and resent you a little it.
Do you normally contact or message your ex first?
Now think about it, were you consistently messaging your Ex first?
Why is this bad? This indicates a number of different boyfriend mistakes.
- You are desperate for her attention
- You are insecure and you really want to know what she is doing
This is neediness, and showing neediness is the most unattractive thing you can do. Why don’t you wait until she wants to speak to you enough that she messages you, you want to know why? – because you are being needy and you are desperate for her attention. do it too much and she will start to feel that. It is a hard thing to admit to yourself sometimes, but once you do, you will start to recognise it and do it less.
Did you tell her that you love her first?
This is another one that is a big red flag, just like commitment, these should be things that girls do first. Otherwise you will always be in a relationship where she has total control and you are a follower and seeking the love from her. Remember girls like leaders, girls love the feeling of locking in a guy (see first date Hookup article for the leader theory).
If you already love her, you tell her first, then she knows she has you, you are hers to play with, and she doesn’t need to win you over any more.
Telling your girlfriend that you love her should be done after she says it first. It doesn’t matter how much you are in love with the girl and it is circling in your head every time you think of her, for the love of Christ don’t tell her until she says it first.
Do you ever catch yourself staring and admiring your ex?
So many guys wont notice that they do this, but cameras don’t forget, have you seen many pics of you both as a couple, and you are looking at her and she is looking at the camera. If you are starting at her often and she isn’t staring at you, then its obvious where all your attention is.
Do you touch her more ofter than she touches you?
This is a sure sign that you are giving her too much attention, and communicating that you desire her more that she desires you. You should be trying to gauge how ofter you do it compared to how much she does it, and also don’t respond automatically when she touches you. Over-touching is big indicator of interest, swaying the scales too much to one side is not good for attraction.
Another thing is that have you ever had someone touch you when you didn’t want them to? It is creepy and annoying. So if she is going off of you, or is feeling un-attracted to you at that moment you should be holding back on the touching.
When things are not going well with you girlfriend, realise that you are doing it for yourself, it is selfish protective touching, not sexual. The more you touch her to try and improve your connection the more you can push her away. This is a big indicator of neediness because you are trying to get her approval that everything is ok and trying to force it.
Are you too lovey dovey in Bed?
The ultimate sin is to be a boring lover, the other to be too soft.
Are you a soft lover, are you too gentle? Do ask her if you can put it in her mouth? Do you say sorry when you cum, stuff like that?
These are terrible things to do. If you feel your pride taking a knock and a awkward feeling in your belly when you read this then embrace the reality like a man and don’t let that happen again.
You should be moving her around firmly at the very least, no questions; grab her by the hair and put it in her mouth so she can taste herself. Sex should be hot and interesting.
Personal story: I literally got told once by a girl that I was gentle – I will never forget that! I made sure I never heard that again! I’d rather be told off for being too rough, than be too soft.
Did you have to ask for sex with your girlfriend?
If the answer is yes then you were not turning her on enough, or not behaving an a manner that was attractive. There two areas, general attractive man behaviour, and turning her on.
Are you being needy, are you valuing her above yourself, are you desperate for her touch and her approval. Are you soft or boring in the bedroom. Basically all of the above, if you hadn’t noticed already.
Your general behaviour should be of a man that is confident and in control of his life and likely to attractive to other women, I don’t care if you are faking it to yourself on the inside, what she sees and feels is what is real to her.
Physical appearance mistakes (Importance = medium – low)
Are you in bad shape/let yourself go? Do you dress badly now or look dirty? Are you slouching or showing signs that you are not confident and indicating this in your posture.
Turning her on
Every girl is different, but almost all girls like similar things for getting them turned on, lets go through some things to do as a reminder, think in your head that she is standing in the kitchen:
- Hold her from behind, close and firm.
- Kiss her neck, slowly!
- Work your hands around her body in a caressing manner, slowly!
- Put your hands in her hair, or her face.
- Rub her up the inside of her leg, don’t touch her pussy straight away.
Notice this is slow, teasing stuff, you are just warming the engine, slowly is more effective is she is cold. Remember girls like being licked out as much as guys like blowjobs, don’t forget!
Is she the hottest girlfriend you think you can get?
If you feel the answer is yes then you will probably have a scarcity mindset and you will be valuing her way above yourself. And you probably made many of the mistakes above.
Said yes to a few of these?
Yes I bet you have, don’t worry it has happened to the best of us! If you are reading this article you are already going to do a hundred times better from now on.
Operation “get your ex girlfriend back”
The main fundamentals
- You need to act in a really attractive manner again, the most attractive version of yourself
- Wait enough time for your Ex to drop the ‘I’m committed to breaking up and no-one can stop me going back on my decision’ shield
- Give her time to think about you and question her decision
- Allow her to meet other people and realise that she has no connection with them
- Get your fu*king confidence back – because girls are not attracted to sad, upset, needy, emotionally sensitive guys, so you need to get your shit together before you see her again, because when you do, you will unleash all of those feelings that she has been trying to bury and be super attracted to you.
So how is thing going to happen.
(I will also leave extra Guides at the bottom for anyone who needs more info)
No Contact Period after a break up
One of the best things you can do for yourself is to initiate a no contact period, this means don’t initiate any sort of conversation with her, no messages, no calls, no liking her facebook posts, no watching her insta-stories. Don’t tell her this is what you are going to, if she starts to wonder why you are not messaging or contacting her – then great, its working and she is thinking about you. Don’t ruin that by telling her.
No contact period is for 3 reasons:
- If you were needy during the relationship, you are going to super needy now, and acting in an even more unattractive manner because of all the desperation you feel. You really want to keep your distance from your EX until you can get that under control. And maybe after a couple days you might feel good, don’t trust that yet, it won’t take much to bring out all of your hurt and desperation, and you will do more damage than good re-enforcing your ex’s decision to leave you.
- You need time to pass for her to open up her mind again. Allow her to feel how attractive you are, remember a break up is a hard thing to do even for her, she will have been sitting on this breakup-feeling for weeks. Your girlfriend is changing her entire lifestyle to remove you from it, so assume she will be holding up her break-up shield for a while.
- You need time to get back to being attractive, or behaving in an attractive manner, to get your charm back and be the person that attracted your ex girlfriend in the first place. This is going to be your new hobby, and it will help you in two ways; to become your attractive self again and to keep your mind off of messaging her. You need to be on top form when you start your face to face campaign.
Ex girlfriend messages you during no contact.
What happens when she messages you, ignore it! Don’t jump at the chance to chat to her. If she messages repeatedly after many days, then yes you can start to answer. What you really want is to be cool, calm and collected by the point of first contact.
I’ll give you an example; during the first few days you will lead the chat to emotional conversations pretty quickly “why did you really breakup with me… “, maybe needy things like “have you been with anyone else?” and “do you not like me enough?”.
If she is messaging you a lot then she may be interested in going back with you but it may just be habbit and comfort. If this is the case, if you can make her sweat and wait a little then she will be more likely to jump at the opportunity to be back with you.
These types of questions are not important, the important thing is that she broke up with you, most likely because she lost attraction enough to leave you. If you want to get your ex girlfriend back and keep her then you really need to behave in an attractive way, you need to be able to be light and funny, be able to leave the conversation before she ends it. If you think you are not ready, trust me and wait until you are!
When your ready and you see your Ex after the breakup
This is a great moment. You should be the confidant guy who has got his shit together. There are a couple ways to go
1) Meeting her organically. Always a good one because guards are down and you didn’t have to ask her, but if it is in a bar and she is getting a lot of male attention(and enjoying it) you may feel insecure and be put off your game), but if it is in a cafe or on the street her guard will be down and be much better.
2) Calling or messaging her to arrange a meeting.
Greet your Ex nicely and confidently
Be happy to see her in a way that shows that you are not nervous about it and you are over the breakup, but not so happy to see her that she thinks you are really into her. Remember she is a single woman now, single woman don’t get with guys who are too available and show too much interest. She shouldn’t feel like she can get back with you easily, she should feel in the back of her mind like maybe she has lost you.
Leave some nuggets
This one is for organic meetings.
Leave nuggets of information about where you are going to be, what you are doing etc.
“I’m going to see …. Concert at the weekend”, “remember John, he is having a party on Friday”.
This kind of thing. This not only tells her where you are going to be and exact dates. If she is thinking about bumping into you (girls hang out near men the want to be approached by) then she knows where to go to accidentally meet you. And even if she doesn’t go, guaranteed she is going to think about you. Because you have been out of contact with your ex so long, it triggers feelings when you suddenly know where that person is. Basically she will think about you more. The more she thinks about you in a non negative way then the more attracted she gets.
Leave the conversation before she does
Again this is for organic meetings. Try not to wait for the conversation to go stale, you probably will both get a high from speaking to each other again, leave during that high feeling. Its going to be tough because you may feel like you won’t get that opportunity again but what you really want is her to has the desire to talk to you again. Girls are driven by feelings don’t forget, give her a good feeling she will want more.
When should you message or call your ex after a break up
The best situation is if you have seen her a couple times and got on well. And if you feel she got a positive feeling from it. You can call/message and say something like this…
“it was great to talk to you the other night, it would be really nice to meet for a drink to release any tension that we have.”
Don’t go into any serious talk, only fun talk, and whatever you do, do not get frustrated or try to push her into it. If she says no or doesn’t give you a clear answer then calmly say “No rush, just once you are ready, I just think it is a nice idea”. When discussing the time, say early like 7pm, a time that is in the night, but still sounds early enough to sound platonic.
First contact by message after a breakup
This is a tough one, because you are cold calling, but if you have maintained a strict ‘no contact’ period then it will will feel good for the both of you to hear from each other. And start a little dialogue back and forth, then say this…
“it would be really nice to meet for a drink to release any tension that we have.”
Before your first ‘win your ex back date’
Plan a little for certain situations. Think about the following points. You don’t need to have amazing answers for each of them but there may be a few in there that you think will help. If if you are serious about getting your ex girlfriend back then you should prepare to increase your chances of the meeting going well.
- What she maybe angry about, be ready to sound understanding and tell her that you were an asshole and that she doesn’t need to worry about that any more, but don’t say “because we are not going to be together”, also don’t tell her it is because you are better now, you don’t really want to indicate that you want to get back with your Ex in your conversations.
- If she had doubts about, did she think you cheated, tell her that you didn’t(if that is true).
- What she would like to hear to make her happy with you
- Is there something you can say when the situation starts going to something negative.
- Think about some funny stories that she will like, to distract her when bad conversations come up.
- What to say when she asked why you asked to meet her, do not say to ask for another chance. Remember the line “it would be really nice to meet for a drink to release any tension that we have”.
During the date/meeting
This should be all about fun, positive emotional feelings and displaying how attractive you are. So if the conversation is leading towards a stale negative thing about your relationship. Say “we don’t need to talk about that any more” and move onto another topic in a fun way.
Remember the general golden rule of chatting to women that works 99% of the time. Let the girl talk about herself! This is a great goal to get to, even though you might have a lot to say about how you feel. You will get much better results if she enjoys talking about herself. When she feels good all the other stuff will go down so much easier.
Stay on positive topics
You really want to control the feeling she has during this date, so that they are mainly positive. But that doesn’t mean for you to be too available, you don’t want to satisfying her ego to make her feel good. That is not what I mean at all, this means next to zero compliments, and no acting like you really want her back. You are there to have a nice time and to have a pleasant feeling at the end. You can also tell her that.
Get the sexual tension back
What you really want is to create sexual tension, if you can get her to feel this tension again then you are onto a winner. This means don’t try to kiss her, don’t touch her unless she is touching you twice as much. If she touches your leg, don’t rush to grab it or reciprocate it, treat it like a test. If she continues to touch you, then yeah ok you can give small touches. Don’t get carried away, make sure she is wanting you and it is not just wishful thinking.
Signs that your ex wants you back when on your date.
- Said yes to the date/meeting
- Dresses up nice for it
- Starts touching you
- Laughs a lot
- Touches her hair as she looks in your eyes
- Starts to tease you a little and mentioning sexual things
- She talks about the past in a pleasant way
What if your ex is cold
Don’t force it if she seems cold. You really want to get her warm and friendly again, so get her talking, and about herself, keep it fun. If that fails and you feel that she is not going to come out of that ice cube, then maybe it is not time yet. You don’t want to be initiating anything if her vibe is cold, that means the shield is up. In that case keep working on your confidence and your attractiveness. Try again in a couple of weeks.
Believe in yourself
I have full confidence in anyone who is willing to admit to themselves that it was their fault and someone who can show some control and get their girlfriend back with style. Remember it is not just getting her on that one date, you need to maintain this attractiveness. Never stop improving yourself. If you want an amazing girl, then be the best version of yourself.
Get your ex back summary
- No contact period
- Get your confidence and attractiveness to a high level
- Initiate contact
- Invite to “clear tensions” drinks
- Build sexual tension. You want her to feel that she wants you. Trying not to touch, kiss her, tell her you want her back etc until you feel she wants it
Extra Info and Resources
These are links to other guides with specific approaches. May be worth while listening to other peoples success stories.
Check out these guides to see how well it matches your situation.
Go win your Ex back, best of luck!